"Football is life,” a coach once told Blotter. Sure, but life ain’t football. A good Samaritan learned that Sunday, February 22, when he tried to tackle a bad guy who was leaving a south Anchorage supermarket in a hurry—running holding someone else’s purse “like a football” under his arm, according to an Anchorage Police Department press release. The two men crashed into a door, breaking it, and in the process the bad guy broke the tackle. The good guy (take him off his feet next time) injured his arm, but APD did not report how badly. Then the bad guy, a 19-year-old Anchorage man, also learned that life ain’t football when a bunch of people left the sidelines to pursue. Two of them, an APD officer and his 18-year-old son, got credit from APD for the tackle. The police forwarded a raft of charges to prosecutors: second degree robbery (the purse); third-degree criminal mischief; resisting arrest; and lastly, seven counts of second-degree theft of an access device (credit cards in the purse.)

Saturday, February 13—Oops. Someone on Resurrection Blvd. meant to call 4-9-1, Seward Police dispatch reports.

February 13—A cop had to intervene in a snowball fight in Seward. The kids say that no one hit that window on purpose. Cool heads prevailed. Friday, February 19—School officials in Palmer know what the pipe was for, but what the hell was the hatchet for? A 16-year-old boy was charged with bringing a weed pipe and a weapon to school. He’s got some ‘splaining to do, and the Mat-Su Youth Facility is the place to do it.

February 19—A 19-year-old from North Pole called for help, saying a bunch of people were creating a disturbance outside his house and threatening him. Alaska State Troopers investigated and found nothing. No raucous party. No one in the yard or fleeing in the woods. Turns out the 19-year-old had “consumed multiple controlled substances” according to troopers, and that drug cocktail had set him into fear. In some jurisdictions cops don’t have time for this (some paranoids have been advised to wear tinfoil hats), but troopers took the North Pole man into protective custody, and they’re charging him with filing a false report and drug misconduct. Here’s hoping he avoids that scary blend of drugs in the future.

Monday, February 22—A 17-year-old Palmer boy took a 1995 Ford Explorer (built during the rollover years!) into a 180-degree spin on the Glenn Highway near Constitution Drive. The tippy truck came to rest on its side after hitting a tree. Troopers report Boy Driver “failed to negotiate a bend on the road due to slippery conditions” which is a really diplomatic way of saying he’s learning how not to drive on icy roads.

February 22—Boy, 511 plants is a lot of pot. Troopers estimate the plants could’ve been harvested for 35.65 pounds of dry weed. (They didn’t say if that’s all bud, or whether it’s primo.) Investigators seized almost $83,000 in cash, two firearms, an F-250 Ford truck, a Volvo Front End Loader, a large enclosed utility trailer, five snowmachines and an ATV. A husband and wife from Wasilla are being charged for what troopers say was a commercial garden, not for personal use.

DUI, Fairbanks, 2/15/09

Prosecutor in cuffs!

Lucky thing lorazapam

just fits this poem.

—Scott Christiansen

Rape Report

Sexual assaults reported to Anchorage Police from February 15 through February 21, including forcible penetration as well as attempted sexual assaults and unwanted sexual contact. Areas are designated by community councils. Eagle River-area locations are grouped together. Time of day is when police were contacted. The date of the report is listed. If the date of the attack is different than the date of the report, the date of the attack is in square brackets.

DOWNTOWN

February 17, 4:48 p.m., Sixth Avenue and G Street

FAIRVIEW

February 20, 7:42 p.m.

UNKNOWN

February 19, 4:36 p.m.

February 20, 5:30 a.m.

If you are a victim of sexual assault or domestic abuse, please call Standing Together Against Rape’s 24-hour crisis line at 276-7273 or toll free in Alaska 1-800-478-8999.